The following article was written by Mr. Kim, who is from Pakistan. He is a student of neuro-psychology, and interested in topics related to self-improvement, social relationships, mind sciences and metaphysics.

 

 

Relationships & Emotional Blackmail

In this article, we will analyse a very critical and somewhat harmful characteristic of the fake-attitude disorder, which is; Emotional Blackmail.

The term emotional blackmail is self explanatory and it simply means to blackmail others by expressing too much of your emotions, either real or fake.

This behaviour is clinically described as Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) and is most detrimental for others rather then the blackmailer themselves.

Those people who suffer from some negative circumstances since their childhood, or are often ignored or neglected in their early stages of life, are most likely to depict this kind of behaviour.

A major reason for emotional blackmail is to get others to act in a way that suites the need of the blackmailer. So that they may feel satisfied by controlling what other people do, without taking the time to understand their wants and desires.

This often happens in intimate relationships such as between parents and children, husband and wife and/or close friends and Siblings.

An emotional blackmailer never wants to understand others, as their sole purpose is to ask people to understand them.

They are a perfect manipulator of people and emotions, and they know very well how to emotionally manipulate their loved ones.

Now we will look at some of the ways how emotional blackmail works.

Types Of Emotional Blackmail

A person should only be classified as an emotional blackmailer if most of the following traits are highly visible in them, otherwise it may not be the case of borderline personality disorder .

A Very Deep Person

The first thing you would notice is the deepness of their emotions, and their highly emotional response for almost anything and any subject.

They mostly use emotional analogies, words and facial-expressions in order to show how deep and expressive they are.

They usually express this by listening to dark music, songs full of emotional lyrics, having a collection of poetry-books, stories or novels which stress the emotional lives of people and frequently watch dramatic movies and T.V programmes.

However, interestingly they are unlikely to think rationally or logically and everything they see or pretend to see is under the lenses of emotions alone.

Actually, this is how they impress you and motivate you to start discovering the reasons behind their deep emotions, and as a result you unknowingly start to fall into their trap.

A Blamer

They almost always blame others for their life failures, and especially for the failure of all past-relationships. They would say that the other person did not understand or they cheated them somehow.

Almost with all of their past friends you would notice that they cannot maintain long term relationships, and as a result, frequently break up with their friends.

Most of their friends, siblings and even parents don’t possess a good opinion about them. In such cases, you should try to contact those people from their past and find out their opinion also. Only then will you have a better picture in front of you as to the type of person they really are. 

A Loner

Another interesting characteristic is that they are lonely for most of the time. They will frequently tell their loved ones that “no one truly understand them”.

They think that no one has the ability to discover their true talents, and although they have a lot of people around them, they usually feel as if nobody is their true friend or that all people are selfish. This projects the solitude and loneliness of these people.

As a result people now often become motivated to help them out in their loneliness, and share it with them while becoming their only close-friend.

However be careful because all you have to do is to understand them and share their loneliness, but seldom will they try to understand your likes and dislikes and be with you when you would be needing of them.

Understand Me Only

This is the most painstaking attitude of an emotional blackmailer, in which they expect and motivate others to always try to understand them.

If they have done something wrong for which they now must admit, they would rather blame another person to understand their situation and this is how every time they would escape it.

You would be required to keep care of their likes and dislikes in almost each and every aspect of your relationship, and satisfy their demands under any circumstances whatsoever. But they would seldom care about you and your emotions.

For example, you would be willing to go to a Chinese restaurant but this person dislikes Chinese, so ultimately you would end up going into the restaurant of their choice only.

Fluctuating Moods

This is the thing which would give you a very tough time to truly understand them. Every time you meet this person, you would feel that they had changed.

Their mood swings very frequently and any event or happening can change their mood easily. If they are in a good mood they are likely to become very caring, and you may even feel that they understand you very well.

But if they are in a bad mood, they will criticise each and every act of yours, and you would feel helpless. Always you would be required to help them in maintaining their good mood, and if you fail, you have to face the consequences.

Relationship Threat

Often these people threaten to end the relationship with you in case you don’t conform with their demands, or if you constantly fail to “understand” them.

Sometimes they would even hurt themselves or keep crying until you give-up. You always have a sense of insecurity with them and have to consciously and unconsciously make them happy to keep continuing the relationship. 

Silent Treatment

They sometimes act silently to others because by being quite, silent or inaccessible they hope to attract attention from loved ones, by making you wonder what has happened to them all of sudden?

Then after sometime they show-up and blame you for not being there when they needed you, and once you become apologetic they then start manipulating you according to their own interests.

The Reason For Emotional Blackmail

After reading all this one may wonder why the other person is playing in such a cruel manner with their loved ones?

First of all, you need to know that they are psychologically depressed people and should not be taken as seriously as you do with other “normal” people. Otherwise you will end up feeling guilty all the time.

These people actually use emotional blackmail on others in order to gain some sort of benefit or interest, such as to get physically close and take advantage.

Or to drive the other person according to their own choices which gives them a pleasure and satisfaction for being in control, and/or some sort of material gain.

Summary Of Emotional Blackmail

• Threaten to make things difficult if you don’t do what they want.
• Constantly threaten to end the relationship if you don’t give in.
• Regularly ignore or discount your feelings and wants.
• Tell you or imply that they will neglect, hurt themselves, or become depressed if you don’t do what they want.
• Shower you with approval when you give into them and take it away when you don’t.
• Sometimes use money as a weapon to get their own way.

The Difference Between Real And Fake Emotional Blackmail

Sometimes you will find it difficult to differentiate if a person is using emotional blackmail or not. A major sign of emotional blackmail is the way how they deal and manipulate others by using fear, obligation and guilt so you may be easily used by them.

You would always find that the person is using emotional blackmail if all they require from you is not for your own good or development, but rather each demand would be to satisfy the emotional blackmailer’s personal interests only (It is a big ONLY).

How To Deal Emotional Blackmail

First of all, never take this person seriously. Rather take them as some sort of patient and you would automatically feel a lot relieved.

Secondly, whenever they try to dominate you emotionally, tell them openly that you know what they are trying to do and you will see a sudden change of behaviour in them.

If this is a close relationship such as husband and wife, you would be requiring a lot of compromise and its better if you somehow let the person be treated by an expert psychologist.

In doing all these please remember that you also have your own identity, you should build a high level of self-esteem and never compromise by always giving up your desires.

In the final part, we will look at some ways you can make an attitude that results in you becoming popular with others and proud of yourself.