The following article was written by Mr. Kim, who is from Pakistan. He is a student of neuro-psychology, and interested in topics related to self-improvement, social relationships, mind sciences and metaphysics.

Dealing With Disappointment

Ben was very happy when he received his first job letter. This was the Job for which he was longing quite some time for, and now finally he had received the fruit of his patience and persistence.

After joining, he soon realised that the workplace had a lot of internal office politics, and it was getting more and more difficult for him to survive these politics.

This severely affected his job performance, and on the basis of such poor performance (which actually was due to the non-cooperation of the office staff) he was fired from the job as he was already on a probation period.

This event triggered a series of disappointing events for him, and he soon found himself addicted to drugs and other distractions.

The Situation faced by Ben is not new for us and we all face similar degrees of disappointment during different stages and phases of life.

No matter what causes us to become disappointed, mostly the reaction is to try and distract ourselves, become very angry at others, or in some cases, start looking to take revenge.

 

Why Do We Face Disappointment?

There are times when things don’t work out as we expect them or plan for them. This is because of two factors:

Internal Factors and External Factors. A disappointment is mostly an outcome of both factors.

Internal Factors

This includes less interest in the situation, lack of input from our side, our own shortcomings and wrong decisions which make the situation worse.

External Factors

This includes the circumstances and decisions which are beyond our control. The decisions of other people, their personal behaviour and attitude towards us, their likes and dislikes, their life priorities and their beliefs.

It also includes the acts of nature, such as an earthquake, rain, storms and other natural and artificial hazards.

Hence the equation for disappointment is :

Internal factors + External factors = Disappointment

What Do We Do When We Are Disappointed?

Whenever we feel disappointed, we should try to find the answer in the following steps;

A. Avoid A Quick Conclusion

Most of us make very quick or hasty conclusions regarding any situation, and even before the getting the result we start to feel disappointed.

For example, a student has just given his physics paper in and because he thinks that he did not do well, he feels disappointed even before getting the result.

Similarly in other situations we start interpreting the situations and try to make a quick opinion or conclusion without waiting.

We should wait and give time to the situation so it becomes clearer. Suppose you have sent a text to your friend but you have not received reply for quite some time, so some would conclude that their friend is ignoring them.

This often happens in intimate relationships. There again we need to understand that every person has different habits and circumstances and a delayed response does not mean that the person is avoiding you, as there could be many different reasons which will only be clear to you if you wait.

We should never make a quick conclusion or opinion about any person or situation, and should give time to the situation to get clearer.  

B. Face The Situation

Incase you find that your conclusion or opinion regarding a particular person or situation is found to be true, then the first and most important step is to face the situation and do not deny the existence of your disappointment.

Mostly when people feel disappointed, they instantly deny such emotions because they think that it would show them as a weak person in front of others.

So the first thing we need is to face the situation as it is. For example, if you feel disappointed because your friends don’t invite you to get-togethers, you need to recognise that this situation is causing you a disappointment and you are feeling sad because of it.

Rather then pretending to be self sufficient and telling yourself that you don’t need them and there is nothing wrong with you.

C. Recognise The Facts

After accepting that a situation or event exists which is causing you to feel disappointed, the next step is to recognise any facts of the situation whether you like them or not.

For example, if a friend of yours who you liked very much has dropped communication with you and you feel rejected, then you should recognise the fact that every person has his own choices and likes and it is not necessary that people would always comply with our wishes.

Think about being in the other person’s shoes and try to see the situation from their perspective. Mostly we only see and interpret the situations according to our point of view, and think that others also think in the same way.

We need to understand that every person has his own viewpoints, and the same thing could be viewed differently by different people.

For example, a common saying is “beauty is in the eye of the beholder”, so the same object may have an attraction for you but not for the other person.

Because every person has a different genetic makeup and environment, the likes and dislikes are variable from person to person and there is no point in compelling or expecting others to always act the same way as we would like them to.

D. Try To Reconciliate

If you find that the internal factors, such as your own shortcomings, wrong decisions or over-expectations have caused the disappointing situation, the best method is to approach that person and clearly ask for forgiveness.

Most of us don’t like apologising and feel as if this would be detrimental to our self esteem and honour. We need to know that there is nothing wrong or insulting if we apologise to others for any of our mistakes.

It actually boosts the self esteem rather than reducing it. When a person accepts his own shortcomings, then only he can truly build a real self esteem, otherwise it would be a fake attitude and a self-illusion.

Many disappointing situations can be avoided if we do efforts for reconciliation and apologise for any of our mistakes. It sounds difficult, but it plays a key role in the self improvement of an individual.

E. Learn The Lesson

If you realise that you are disappointed because of the external factors and unsuitable behavior of other people, the good news is that this event has provided you an important lesson of how in the future you could prevent yourself having to face a similar situation and people who may even cause you more harm in future, if you would not take precautions.

It also indicates that you need to update your viewpoints regarding people and situations. For example, you may be viewing other people as honest as yourself, but in return you have found that this is not true and many people are willing to take advantage by any means possible.

Remember that each real disappointing situation has a very important and potential message for a person’s personal development, inner growth and maturity.

F. Forgive & Forget

Once you have learnt what the situation or person has taught you, forgive the person for any mistakes or shortcomings on their part and then forget about them.

It is not necessary that you should remain in contact with those people or situations which have severely disappointed you.

Rather, the best option is to remove yourself from such places or people, but don’t keep a hatred or negativity in your heart for them. Thinking of revenge could have a very negative effect over your psychological and physical health.

Keep trust in the Universe, because it is the law of nature that as you sow shall you reap. The people who have disappointed you shall also be disappointed by others in the same manner as they did to you.

So there is no point in getting angry and thinking for revenge. Even if you have to face them due to some compulsions, always face with a smile and pretend as if nothing has happened. However, keep an eye and take a cautious behavior with them.

G. Don’t Be Biased

When something wrong happens with us, we develop a schema in our mind that such a thing is wrong and shall result in negativity.

This is a part of observational learning and nothing wrong to be worried about. However, it starts getting wrong when we apply one schema generally over all other situations.

For example, if you have been disappointed by your girlfriend, you can blame her, but you should not generalise that all girls are the same.

Similarly, if a person has disappointed us, we should dislike the act of that person, but not the person as a whole. The famous saying “hate the crime, not the criminal” sums it up very well.

Always remember that feeling disappointed or rejected is common in human beings, and does not mean that you are a failure.

Rather, it gives you a lesson and time to take them for your advantage towards self development and also to be cautious in the future, so you can avoid negative people and circumstances and your own shortcomings accordingly. Be positive and see positive.

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