The following article was written by Mr. Kim, who is from Pakistan. He is a student of neuro-psychology, and interested in topics related to self-improvement, social relationships, mind sciences and metaphysics.

Dealing With Jealousy

At times in our life, we feel exhausted and tired because of facing people and situations in which we are constantly criticised or abused by others.

Such criticism or abuse is known as jealousy, and it is one of the most important psychological factors which could have considerable effect over our efficacy and behavior.

In this Article, we will try to understand that what causes jealousy, how many types does of jealously are there, and what are some of the ways we can effectively cope with it.

The Basics Of Jealousy

Jealousy can be defined as a sort of negative behaviour in which a person does not like the progress or success of some other person for a particular reason.

It is a sort of direct opposite of empathy and sympathy. Some of the reasons which cause it are;

• Inadequate parenting

• Different complexes

• Low self-esteem

• Failures & disappointment

• Enmity & hatred

If a person feels that he is suffering from jealousy but none of the above factors are responsible for it, then he is probably having a positive sort of jealousy, which we call “competition” and shall be described later in this article.

How To Deal With Jealousy

Now we shall look at some of the different types of jealously, and how to respond to them.

A. Personal Jealousy

In this kind of jealously, a person feels hatred for some person who either belongs to their family/relatives or is one of their close friends.

They are jealous of them because of the other person’s achievements, for which they mostly receive the praise of family members or friends.

They try to degrade them in front of other people, and frequently point out their shortcomings and mistakes in public.

In doing so, the jealous person often claims to be a well wisher and that he or she is a straight forward person, and asserts that actually for the benefit of the other person they are criticising them so often and in front of other family members or friends.

However, this is not really the case and they disguising their jealousy by claiming to be a well-wisher.

It should be noted that a well-wisher would also show appreciation at times, but this person would never be able to truly appreciate and praise your efforts and would always only be criticising for the sake of criticism only.

The Solution

The best strategy to deal with this person is either a complete ignorance to their comments/criticism or, if the situation gets unbearable, asking for reconciliation in the presence of some third party, who should be neutral.

If they are degrading you in front of other family members / friends, very often the best way is to reply to them in similar tone in public, not in private (this is very important to never fight or shout at them in private as this could give them several advantages).

Keeping silent at that time would imply as if they are correct in their accusations, and they would think that by this they could always get away with it. So, a suitable protest is the best method.

B. Professional Jealousy

This kind of jealously occurs very often in professional environments between employees and, in some cases, between the employer and the employee.

People would virtually try to pull your leg and would try their hardest if they are having this type of jealousy towards you.

This is sometimes a difficult thing to deal with because you don’t have to deal with a single person; rather there are couples of people or even groups to deal with, but of course not impossible.

A somewhat clever strategy is required to deal with such professional jealousy and office politics.

The Solution

The most important thing is to be neutral and never participate in any groups. Many people or groups will try to attract you when you join the office.

However you should always be able to maintain your neutrality and never take side of any group, even if you think that they are right.

This is because in such environments mostly things and people do not appear as they really are. Half of your work is done when people see that you are non-aligned.

Secondly, always keep track of your progress and communications in “written”, while sending copies to your boss on a daily or weekly basis.

Don’t take or give any verbal instructions or orders and always make efforts to write them down somewhere, otherwise you may face situations when you will be held responsible for not complying with several orders/instructions.

Sometime people will intentionally give you verbal instructions, so you may forget them or mix-up the information and then they can blame you as irresponsible in front of authorities.

Finally, run away from any gossips and don’t complain about others in public or private.

Always follow the official procedures for complaints, and never back bite or gossip about someone with any of your colleagues.

It is always the best course of action if you maintain your professional life separate from your personal life, and don’t let your colleagues know much about your personal life and issues.   

C: Intimate Jealousy

This kind of jealousy is only involved in intimate relationships such as between a husband and wife, two lovers, parents and children and sometimes a teacher and student.

In this behaviour, one person will extremely dislike it if the other person gives attention and importance to anyone, other then him/her.

So, in order to distract their attention and to attract it towards themselves, they will try to isolate that person from other people, often becoming very dominating and demanding and constantly trying to influence the decisions and likes of their partner/child through “Emotional Blackmailing”.

The Solution

This is one of the most common types and between any intimate relationships a little amount of jealousy should be tolerated, as it shows how much that person loves or cares about you.

But, if this reaches to an alarming level then the first thing needed is to sit with your partner/child and clearly express your opinion about their behaviour.

Let them know that how sad you feel when they do things like this, and how this could be detrimental for the relationship if they don’t trust you sincerely.

Also listen to their opinions and see if there is really something which you need to address, such as some of your own mistakes or areas where you need to compromise?

For example, your partner/child requires that as they always express their emotions and love for you, so in return they also like you to express it for them.

As all people and their likes are different, so will your way of expressing your love will be different.

But if it is shown that the other person is not feeling satisfied, then you need to understand and compromise the situation as much as possible and act somewhat in the way they would like it to be.

If you do this, chances are that their jealousy level will be decreased considerably.

Also when in parties and gatherings, give a little extra attention to your partner/child so they could feel their importance accordingly.

If after doing all compromises you face the same situation without any significant changes, try to let your partner/child be treated by a practicing psychologist because this behavior may indicate some psychological disorder, which should be addressed properly.

D: Anonymous Jealousy

This sort of jealously occurs between strangers or acquaintances only.

In this situation, some unknown person, stranger or a mere acquaintance starts showing their jealousy by either abusing you without any reasons, or trying to find some matter to quarrel with you, or any other method by which they try to harm you either physically or psychologically.

We feel quite amazed why a stranger or unknown person is doing all of this to us so suddenly?

This is because when they observe you, they find qualities which are lacking or missing in them such as your physical appearance or intelligence or financial standing.

So, in this situation they respond emotionally and often the teenagers or emotional people depict this sort of jealousy.

In their emotional response they either fight or flight away after verbally abusing you.

The Solution

It is very simple to deal with, as all you need is to consider the reason behind their emotional response and keep on avoiding them as much as possible.

No matter whatever they call you or abuse you verbally, don’t respond to them and silence is the best course of action.

If they try to harm you physically, which is a very rare case, then you should keep up your defenses and do not hesitate to kick back to them.

In case you find them powerful in strength or numbers, try to escape from there and don’t think that you are doing a cowardly act.

However, most of the situations will be related to verbal abuse and all you need is to keep quiet and don’t reply to a single comment of them. Finish your work from that area and leave as soon as possible.

E: Competitive Jealousy

This kind of jealousy is not a negative behaviour, rather a positive motivation.

In this behaviour, we see the progress of some of our peers or people younger than us who are praised by authority figures in our field, we feel a sort of jealousy in us which we then could use to our improvement.

For example, a student of painting feels jealous of his class fellow because his abstract ideas and paintings are more powerful and attractive compared to his.

Similarly, an elder feels jealousy of a younger person because the younger person is found to be more intelligent compared to him.

So, this sort of jealousy stems out of competition and there is nothing to be worried about it, rather, it gives you a motivation and understanding as to how you could improve your own shortcomings.

The Solution

Whenever we feel competitively jealous to someone, we should firstly truly appreciate and praise the person loud and clear.

Remember, if we can’t praise the person then it indicates that we are suffering from professional jealousy, which is a negative behaviour.

Then rather then targeting that person for hatred or enmity, we should idealise them as a role model or an object of inspiration and try to learn from them that what are the ways they have adopted to become a successful or prominent person.

You will notice that if this course of action is adopted, this would turn out to be a very promising and fruitful jealousy.

Last Words

If you are faced with jealousy of any kind on daily basis or occasionally, it indicates that you possess some qualities of which you should be proud of.

Therefore, never feel disappointed due to this factor and always maintain a positive attitude towards those who show jealousy towards you because it is their praise in disguise of jealousy.

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