Finding A Solution In A Conflict

The solution, which is how you are going to solve a problem, needs to be discussed by both people.

If you walk into a conflict and say “here’s what I want you to do”, or “I am right and you are wrong” then you are dictating to the other person, and chances are you will get into an argument.

Using Interests To Solve A Conflict Situation

Here is a classic story that will help you remember the basics about solving conflicts.

There are two sisters, and they both want one orange. There are no other oranges, and they don’t want anything else except the orange.

Both sisters want the same thing, and so appear to be in conflict with each other. What do they do? How can they solve the problem?

The first and most obvious answer would be to split the orange, giving each sister half an orange. But this will mean they only get half of what they wanted. So how else could the problem be solved?

Buy another orange? There are no other oranges available so this is not an option.

Talk About Interests

We could start by asking the sisters why they want the orange (theirs interests). Let’s suppose one of the sisters says that she wants to eat the orange, and the other says she doesn’t want to eat it, all she needs is the peel so that she can add flavor to a cake.

So at this point by asking the question why they each want the orange, what it is going to do for them and what they are going to use it for (their interests), quite often you will discover solutions that will satisfy both people completely.

This is called a win-win situation, as everyone gets what they want.

Avoiding Conflict

Now of course in life all problems do not have such a simple solution, and in many cases a win-win situation cannot be achieved.

However the point of this story is to show that if you discuss your interests first, rather than your wants, quite often conflicts can be avoided and a satisfying solution can be found for both people involved.

If you just start with your wants and say that you want the orange, you get into a fight and the whole conflict situation becomes a competition.

So conflicts are best avoided and solved by cooperation, which comes through asking the question why do you want it, what is it going to do for you, or sharing your own reasons as to why something is a problem and why you want something.