Helping Yourself To Gain Self Esteem
- Self esteem is shaped by both internal and external factors.
- Your behaviour strongly influences your level of self esteem.
- If you lack respect for yourself, people will lack respect for you.
People living in today’s society live in a fast paced and ever changing world. These changes are largely a result of our various technological and informational breakthroughs.
Whilst these things certainly do make life easier and more convenient, they have ultimately lead to a reduction in the personal stability people once enjoyed.
No longer is it common to have one single job for life. No longer is it common to stay in one relationship for life. And no longer is it common to live, work and die in the place you were born.
All of these changes, no matter how small or large they may be, affect peoples lives in different ways. Some of these changes may bring you joy and happiness, whilst others may bring you sorrow and pain.
It is therefore absolutely essential than in order for you to successfully survive through these changes, that you create a sense of stability within yourself.
This stability comes from having a clear sense of identity, confidence and self worth. Or in other words, self esteem.
What Is True Self Esteem?
Self esteem means much more than an innate sense of self worth. Self esteem means having confidence in your ability to think, to cope with the challenges of life and a recognition that you are worthy of happiness and success.
Trusting your mind and knowing that you are worthy of greatness, is therefore the very essence of self esteem.
What Builds Self Esteem?
Self esteem is shaped by both internal and external factors. This means that both the things within you, and the things outside of you, can affect how you think and feel about yourself.
In order to successfully build and maintain self esteem, it is therefore necessary for both factors to be addressed.
Internal Factors Build Self Esteem
Internal factors are those that come within you, and relate to how you treat yourself. This could include things such as the way you talk to yourself, the way you think or the things you believe in. True self esteem can only be obtained via these internal factors.
External Factors Build Self Esteem
External factors come from outside of you, such as from the environment in which you live and work. They can be transmitted either verbally or non verbally, and are usually sent from the people you see and interact with on a daily basis.
External factors play a big role in how you think and feel about yourself. However, do not make the mistake of relying solely upon them for your self esteem.
If you do so, and circumstances in your life suddenly change (as they often do) your self esteem will likely suffer and therefore so will you.
The Loop Of Self Esteem
Self esteem is a motivator that inspires behaviour, but behaviour also inspires self esteem. Therefore there is a continuous feedback loop between the way you act, and the level of your self esteem. One cannot exist without the other.
For example, with high self esteem you are more likely to persist in the face of difficulties. But with low self esteem you are more likely to give up, or go through the motions without really trying or giving your best.
If you are persistent then in all likelihood you will succeed more times than you fail, thereby increasing your level of confidence and self worth.
But if you give up easily, or don’t try your best, you will likely fail more often than you succeed, thereby reducing your level of confidence and self worth.
Either way, your view of yourself will be reinforced.
Put simply, this means that you can improve the way you think and feel about yourself, by improving the way you act. If you always try your best, never give up and act with integrity, then sooner or later success will come your way.
With that success will come higher levels of self esteem, which will bring further successes, resulting in even higher levels of self esteem.
Once you get it started, this self reinforcing feedback loop will build your self esteem automatically.
Self Esteem And The People You Meet
When dealing with other people, if you respect yourself and require that others deal with you respectfully, you will send out signals that increase the likelihood people will respect you.
When they do, you will confirm and reinforce your initial belief that you are worthy and deserving of respect.
But if you lack self respect and allow others to treat you disrespectfully, your mind will accept this behaviour and transfer it to your subconscious, further reinforcing and lowering your initial level of self respect.
This provides another example of how the feedback loop can either build up your self esteem, or tear it down. This applies to every aspect of your life, and is why you should never tolerate anything which will jeopardise your self esteem.
The Value Of Self Esteem
The value of self esteem is not only that it allows you to feel better, but that it allows you to live better.
This is the real value of self esteem, and once developed will allow you to respond to new opportunities and challenges more appropriately and effectively than you once did. This will then further reinforce and build your level of self esteem.
Remember, building self esteem is a gradual process. It is the foundation upon which you are building the rest of your life, and therefore is something which cannot be rushed.
In the beginning things are likely to progress slowly. But do not be tempted during this period to look for instant quick fixes. They do not work, and will only set you back to where you once began.
Remember what was said at the start of this article, true self esteem can only come from within you, and so you are the only one who can create it for yourself.
Whilst your progress may seem slow at the start, rest assured that once you get started the self esteem feedback loop will automatically ensure that over time, your self esteem will improve more rapidly and by greater margins.
Lovely article. I now feel much better
Thanks for your comment Mike. This is only part 1 so there is still alot more to come!
All articles on this topic are worth reading. I will recommend this site to a friend who need it most, especially now that she’s so depressed. I’m sure this articles could help her.
I would like to ask if its ok to repost it? Say in multiply blog so that my contacts could read it also. Thank You.
Hi Iya,
You are welcome to repost my articles on your site, but could you please put a link back to the original article at the end of each article you post.
thanks,
Martin
Hi Martin. With permission from u I am reposting some of your article to my site at http://www.scribd.com/people/view/1306623-iya. At the end of each article I leave a note that goes like this “For more related self-improvement advice, ideas and tips, get to know Martin- the writer and webmaster of my favorite website- http://www.eruptingmind.com”. Thank You.
Hi Iya,
Thats fine, thanks for letting me know where you posted the articles.
I currently have a lock on the articles which prevents people from copying and pasting them, if you need access to more articles let me know and i will unlock them for you.
Martin
two thumbs up
syed waseem sajad
microbiologist
thxs martin but what do u do in a situation where one certain person is showing you up and degrading your respect infront of other people, at times i feel i need to physicaly put him in his place because when i try to verbally attack him he doesnt listen and makes fun of what i said
Phil, this has happened to me before, and undoubtedly has happened to many others also. Here is what you should keep in mind when dealing with this.
In any interaction between 2 people there is an initial power struggle, where both members “compete” amoungst one another for dominance. For power.
You can either give power away, or you can take it. Very rarely is there a neutral interaction, where nobody takes or gives power.
This desire for power is driven by the primative part of our brain, the reptilian brain, which causes us to want to dominate others, or submit to them.
The anger, and desire to be violent you feel, is coming from this part of your brain in an attempt to reestablish dominance over the other person. Unfortunately, this part of your brain can cause you to think irrationaly, and do or say things you may later regret.
So the reason the other person is trying to degrade you in public, is because it makes him feel good, by displaying dominance over you.
He is telling the other people around you that he is in charge, and that he has the power. People who are percieved to be powerful tend to raise their social status, both amoungst members of the same sex, and the opposite sex. This makes them more desirable to others.
If this person is continuing to degrade you in public, it may be because you are not standing up for yourself enough. Once you have given your power away to him, he will continue to take it, unless you reestablish your dominance.
The best way to deal with this is to never accept any degrading behavior from others, and put a stop to it immediately. If you stand up to someone, regardless of whether you dominate them or not, they are unlikely to “pick on you” again, and will instead choose a weaker target who will not stand up to them.
I would suggest that the next time he tries to degrade you in public, to stand up to him verbally. Instead of getting angry remain calm and come up with a quick and clever reply. The reason you should remain calm is for 2 reasons.
If he sees you are being affected by what he says, he will do it more. Because he knows its getting to you, and thinks you are an easy target.
Secondly, by remaining calm you can respond better because you will be using the logical thinking part of your brain.
If he is not listening to your responses, keep responding to whatever he says until he is the one to back down. Notice how he is responding to your attempts to verbally attack him. He is laughing, and turning it around on you.
By laughing he is showing his dominance, by showing you that what you are saying is not affecting him. Use the same tactic on him. Show him that what he says is not affecting you. Use the same tactics he is using on you, back onto him.
Since he has already established dominance over you, you will need to be a bit more forceful and persistant when verbally defending yourself. Make sure that you have the last word. By doing so he will soon learn that you are not an easy target to pick on, and that it is too much energy for him to spend trying to attack you.
Here is an alternative tactic you can use. Whatever is said to you just ignore it and laugh it off. Do not be affected by what he says. If he sees you are not bothered by him, eventually he may just give up.
If you are able to talk to him alone, you could also explain to him that you do not appreciate what he is doing and ask him to stop.
I don’t recommend using violence, but if you are in school and this is adversely affecting you, then violence may be needed. Sometimes the only way to deal with people like this is to stay away from them completely, or physcially restablish dominace over them (if all other methods are not working).
This happened to me once at school. One boy just kept trying to degrade me in public, i never said anything in return, and it continued. I guess he thought i was an easy target. But then one day as i was getting off the bus he said something to me and i just snapped.
I punched him in the face, dragged him off the bus and kicked his ass. Surprisingly he didn’t really fight back. He was all mouth, trying to make himself look good by putting me down. He never bothered me again after that.
But i don’t recommend starting fights with people, only as a last resort, and only if you think you can handle it.
So overall you basically need to get your power back, and you do this by standing up for yourself. If you can say something in response to what he says, and he doesn’t come up with a good reply you “win”, and you establish your dominance. But if he always gets the last word, and the last laugh, he wins and he will remain the dominant person.
Here is an article series you may be interested in about the reptilian brain and aggression. This will help you to understand what is happening when he attacks you, and your responses.
http://www.eruptingmind.com/reptilian-brain-triune-model/
here are some articles on assertiveness
http://www.eruptingmind.com/understanding-developing-assertiveness/
http://www.eruptingmind.com/good-verbal-communication-skills/
To help you think fast on your feet, here is an exercise you can practice daily. Take any word and try to think of as many related words to it as you can. With practice this will enable you to come up with quick, relevant and witty responses.
i experienced the reptilian part of someones brain attacking me in a job interview recently. Their behaviour was rude and arrogant and appeared to be without any direction, simply performed to put me down. This was the head of our local branch and I was totally stunned and dismayed he would use such a critical situation to attempt to undermine the confidence of one of his best employees. Any loyalty I had begun to nurture for this company was squashed after this event. I have full intentions of completing my studies while at this company and then looking elsewhere for a better job. What better way to show how much better a person deserves. Assertiveness is getting your message across without making the other person/s feel like they are total bimbos or idiots. Rednecks should all be sent back to etiquette school to learn some manners.
Sam,
There is an interview technique some interviewers use to see how you respond under pressure, which may have been what you experienced during your interview.
This involves deliberately putting you or your achievements down and/or talking to you in an almost angry or aggressive tone.
It is best to remain calm at all times, and to not let yourself become angry or show discomfort. They are just testing you, so do not take it personally.
When I read this article it was like someone one was reading my innermost thoughts and feelings aloud. Is there a printable version of this article?
This website is such an inspiration to me. One week of reading it and i can already see incredible results in my life. Keep up
Thank you Mr Martin, I love your site, beautifully made, thoroughly researched. I wish your whole web site matter plus more was taught mandatory at school from first grade right up to college. THANKYOU