How To Mediate A Disagreement
Generally speaking there are 4 ways in which you can deal with different opinions, different interpretations of reality or things that have gone wrong in the past.
1 - Have A Friendly Discussion About It
Discuss the issue, in a calm and relaxed manner.
2 - Ignore The Disagreement Altogether
If someone is trying to push your “hot buttons” and wind you up, ignore the issue and don’t get drawn into a debate/argument.
3 - Agree To Disagree
If you know you won’t agree with the other person, just agree that they can have their opinion and you can have yours.
There is no point in trying to get them to agree with you if they have already made up their mind, and are unwilling to listen.
4 - Forgive Or Don’t Talk About Past Mistakes
If you are on the receiving end of being blamed for past mistakes, just point out that it really doesn’t change what has already happened. Instead talk about what can be done differently in the future.
What About True Conflict?
Conflict stems from a difference of interests, or a belief that 2Â peoples wants and needs cannot be achieved simultaneously.
So in other words conflict is based upon a belief that if you get what you want, then I can’t get what I want. Conflict then occurs in an attempt for each person to get what they want.
How Do Conflicts Begin?
There are two main reasons why people have conflicts:
1 - You and I might have different interests…
For example, your boss wants you to stay in and work overtime, but you want to go home and spend time with your family.Â
Another example could include a teenager wanting to go out with friends, but their parent want them to stay in and finish their homework.Â
In both cases there is a difference of interests. One person wants one thing, whilst the other wants something else.
2 - We have the same interests, but they are in conflict…
For example, we both want a promotion but there is only one promotion available.
Or, as another example, you are selling a house which someone wants to buy, but they are only willing to offer you a price that is below what you have asked for.
How To Resolve A Conflict?
Most people approach a conflict by first stating what they want. This automatically tells the other person the decision you have made, and the solution to the conflict.
So most people begin the conflict by first talking about what they want and need, when in fact this should really come at the end.
The reason it is a mistake to begin talking first about what you want, is that when you do so you tend to become inflexible about changing your position later on. You have already made a decision, and your not likely to give it up.
Any attempt by the other person to get you to be more flexible, will seem like you are giving in or admitting defeat. So you will be more likely to stand your ground and hold onto your original position.
Talk About Interests First
A better way to approach a conflict is to talk about interests. Interests are the “why” there is a conflict or problem in the first place.
Interests are the reason that conflicts begin, and include your wants, likes, dislikes, hope, dreams, what you are going to get out of it and what it’s going to do for you. So your interests are what you bring into the conflict.
When you are in a conflict situation begin by talking about your interests, not what you want. Later on in the discussion you can add your thoughts about the solution to the problem by talking about what you want.
The key here is to talk about your interests first, and firmly explain why something is a problem for you. Then be flexible about how you fulfill those interests, which will come as the solution at the end of the conflict.
The next part of this article will focus on coming to a successful solution in a conflict situation.
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November 13th, 2007 at 8:11 am
You offer some great tips - thank you - I wish everyone in the world practiced just some of these tips …