Parent & Child Guilt

In this article we are going to be looking at some of the major forms of parent-child guilt, how they develop and their consequences.

Parent-Child Guilt

The first form of guilt most people experience is parent to child guilt. If you did not do something your parents approved of, you were told that you were a “bad boy” or a “bad girl”.

The underlying implication of these expressions is that you are bad, rather than your actions being bad.

Later in life this may result in an adult with low self esteem, and a strong desire to please others (often at the expense of their own wants and needs).

Photo By “Harry Cutting Photography“

Most parents however don’t deliberately try to make their child feel guilty, but do so inadvertently, treating their child in a similar way to how they were treated by their parents.

For example, if you do something they disapprove of, they may respond by saying things like “what would the neighbours think?”, “you are an embarrassment!” and “I am so disappointed in you”.

All of these phrases are designed to make you feel guilty, and by feeling guilty you are then motivated to change your behaviour so that you will please your parents.

If this is a repeated occurrence where the child is constantly made to feel guilty for all the “wrong” things they do, then by the time they reach adulthood, they will have been conditioned to put the needs of others ahead of their own.

This can be seen in people who will do everything someone asks of them, and is rarely able to say no. Their underlying fear is that if they don’t do what other people want or ask, then they will not be liked by them.

Another term to describe this is a “people pleaser”. Such a person is so concerned with making other people like them, that they are never really able to enjoy their own life because most of the time they are focused on pleasing others.

Pleasing others is very important to the people pleaser, because they use the approval they receive (from pleasing others) as a means of self validation.

In other words, their sense of self identity and self esteem is largely dependant upon the approval they receive from others. Without it, they feel incomplete and rejected.

Child-Parent Guilt

The opposite of parent-child guilt can be seen with child-parent guilt, whereby the child uses some form of manipulation in order to get what they want from their parents.

Most commonly this occurs as a “tempter tantrum”, where the child will scream or cry until their parent gives them what they want.

Since most parents want to be viewed as “good” by their children, it is not uncommon for a parent to try and keep their child happy by complying with their wishes.

Guilt can be created by the child using phrases such as “you don’t really love me, otherwise you would…”, “my friend’s parents got it for him, so why won’t you!?” or “you never give me anything I want, I hate you!”

Where does the child learn this behaviour from? In most cases it is from the parents, who used a similar form of manipulation on the child.

Even though the child may not fully understand why this method works, they quickly learn that it can be an effective way of getting what they want.

However the danger in fulfilling every request a child may make, is that they may turn into a “spoiled brat”.

A spoiled brat is someone who is used to getting their own way by manipulating others with emotions, and will usually become extremely upset if they don’t get what they want.

When the spoiled brat leaves home they are likely to experience much frustration when they realise that in the “real world”, not everyone is as eager to comply with their wishes as their parents were.

When this occurs, the spoiled brat will often resort to more advanced forms of emotional manipulation to get what they want. In many cases, sex/sexuality will be used.