How To Raise An Independent & Responsible Child
- Babies manipulate others in order to survive.
- Too much love can extend dependency into adulthood.
- Seek responsibility to become self reliant.
In this article we shall talk about how humans are born completely dependant on others for survival, and discuss how this relates to the development of dependency in adults.
Born Manipulators
Since a baby is born completely dependant on others for survival, it quickly learns that certain behaviours can produce certain responses from the people around them.
For example, when a baby cries it learns that by crying other people will give it lots of attention and comfort.
When it likes something it learns that by laughing or smiling it can get more of it, and if it doesn’t like something, it can frown or turn its head away showing that it doesn’t want it.
And if the baby wants something that is out of reach, it learns that by pointing to an object someone will get it for them.
So even at such an early age babies quickly learn how to get other people to do things for them, by changing their behaviour to change the behaviour of those around them.
In other words, babies learn a series of actions they can use to manipulate their parents.
Of course because babies are completely dependant on their parents for survival, this form of manipulation is perfectly understandable and justifiable.
However it does give an indication as to why dependency can continue later in life.
If we are never taught to be self reliant, then just like babies we will continue to manipulate others into our childhood and teenage years of life, in order to get other people to do things for us or respond in a certain way to us.
If this continues into adulthood, whereby the adult manipulates others into doing things they are perfectly capable of doing themselves, it is a good indication that they have never broken free from the chains of dependency they were born with.
As a result, they will always maintain a strong dependency on others for survival and approval throughout their adult life.
Breaking The Chain Of Dependency Is Difficult
Any parent will tell you that they tried to do the best for their child, and give them what they never had. Unfortunately, this is one of the main reasons why dependency continues into adulthood.
Out of love, the parents give their child everything they can, holding onto their “little baby” for as long as possible.
Sometimes they never let go, and when their child becomes a grown adult they will often still refer to them as their baby.
Learning Parental Skills From Animals
It is interesting to note that humans are one of the very few species that look after and provide for their young for such a long period of time.
Most animal species either abandon their young immediately at birth (e.g. fish) or push them out into the world as soon as they are ready to survive by themselves (e.g. birds).
This is definitely something all human parents should take note of.
Of course no one is suggesting that you abandon your child at birth, as we have already established that babies and children need the help of others to survive.
But what we learn from the animal kingdom is that this dependency should be gradually phased out as the child grows, by replacing dependency with responsibility.
This could include activities such as being responsible for cleaning a room, looking after a younger brother or sister, or even looking after a pet.
The more responsibility a child is given the more independent they will become, and the less dependant they will be on others later in life.
So the parent should see one of their primary roles as assisting the gradual transition from complete dependency at birth, to total self reliance during their child’s late teenage years.
Allowing the child to make and learn from their own mistakes, so that they become confident in their own actions and educated by them.
This last point is especially important, because by doing things for others when they are perfectly capable of doing it themselves, you are essentially robbing them of valuable life experience.
Since a person can only grow and develop if the are allowed to think and do things for themselves (and experience the physical or emotional consequences of their actions), the amount of personal growth they experience will be in direct proportion to the level of self reliance they accept.
Put another way, the more dependent a person is, the less personal growth they will experience.
Leaving The Nest
The final step to creating self reliance in a child should occur when they are old enough to leave home, and start living by themselves.
Having moved out of home in my late teens, I certainly know firsthand how having to “survive” by yourself can quickly create a self reliant mindset, especially when you have been dependent on others for so long.
It is interesting that many of the people society regards to be successful, also left home at an early age. Some left home by choice, and others because of difficult circumstances.
But whatever the reason, they all had one thing in common. Their chain of dependency was broken at an early age, and as a result, they quickly learnt to become self reliant.
The Importance Of “Letting Go”
Of course many parents may object to their children leaving home at an early age, I know mine did. This is perfectly natural and understandable, as parents want to stay with their children as long as possible.
They want to give them help for as long as possible, and they want their “little baby” to be a little baby as long as possible (even though I am in my late twenties, my mum still calls me her baby!).
However parents who refuse to “let go” of their child only hold them back from experiencing and learning from life, by refusing to break the chain of dependency that they have wrapped around their child.
Unless this chain is broken, the child will always remain a child, even into adulthood.
They will continually cling to other people as a means of solving their problems, expecting other people to do things for them and feeling unable to do anything for themselves.
Just like the new born baby who manipulates his parents with cries and laughter, the “adult baby” will continue to manipulate others in order to get people to do things for them.
Just to make it absolutely clear, I am not suggesting that a child should never be given any help or assistance.
But rather that they should be allowed to do the things they are perfectly capable of, and be given the freedom to do what they need to do in order to grow and learn from the lessons life gives them.
By robbing them of these lessons, you will ultimately cause them to fail the exam called life.
So by all means, help your child when they really need it. Encourage them, love them and give them recognition for their accomplishments.
These are things that will help them grow, things which they cannot provide by themselves.
Just be aware of anything you do that unnecessarily causes your child to hold onto dependency, because otherwise they will pay for it later in life.
Martin,
I was just wondering when your birthday is.
you must be psychic because its coming up very soon!
kindly let me know when you post it…eagerly waiting to read it.