Understanding And Accepting Praise
Many parents often use praise as a means of encouraging and rewarding their children.
However inappropriate praise can be as harmful to a child as inappropriate criticism.
Generalized Praise
There are 4 main types of praise. The first is generalized praise such as “well done”. Generalized praise is not specific, and leaves the child wondering what was praised. This kind of praise is not very effective.
Overblown Praise
The second type of praise is overblown praise, such as “you did the best job in the world!” Although this may sound like good praise to receive, it may actually promote anxiety in the child because they know it does not match what they have done, i.e. it is exaggerated.
Global Praise
The third type is global praise. This involves an overuse of praise, whereby the child is praised for everything they do.
At best this does not work. At worst it may backfire, resulting in an “approval addict” whereby the child learns to seek approval for everything they do. Feeling upset or rejected when they don’t receive any praise.
All three of these types of praise, generalized, overblown and global may have a negative effect on the developing child, and may result in a lack of self reliance and dependency in their adult years.
Specific Praise
The best type of praise to give is factual and descriptive praise about what was done. This gives the child room to think, so they are left to make their own opinion as to what the praise really meant.
So for example, factual praise would be something like “excellent, now the books are put away neatly they will be easy for other people to find them, good job!”
The more specifically targeted the praise, and in proportion to what was done, the more meaningful it will be to the child.
Good teachers are taught this method of praising children. This promotes independence, free thinking, and avoids the pressure of our judgment.
Effects Of Praise And Criticism             Â
As you can see the type of praise a child receives is extremely important.
If you give the wrong type of praise it can have little effect, or worse, create a child who becomes completely dependant on praise for everything they do.
The trouble with this is that in the real world praise is given out much less freely than we may have experienced with our parents.
As a result, if you become used to expecting praise but do not receive it, you are likely to feel demotivated, hurt or upset.
Criticism
The opposite to praise is criticism or praise at all. For a child who was heavily criticized for everything they did, or not praised for the good things they did, the consequences on the child’s self esteem can be devastating.
A child who is frequently criticized will soon learn to doubt themselves, and form a belief that they are incapable of doing anything right or well. This will then lead to low levels of confidence and self worth later in life.
However if praise is given correctly to a child this will increase the likelihood they grow up into a confident and free thinking adult. They do not become dependant on praise, and accept it fully when it occurs.
Rejecting Praise Means Rejecting Yourself
One thing that does occur with people who did not receive much praise as children, is that they will often reject or minimize any praise they receive. For example, you tell them they did a “good job” and they say “it was nothing” or something to that effect.
This last point raises an extremely important issue, and can help you to better understand the belief systems that exist in your subconscious.
If you have a tendency to reject or minimize praise you receive, this may indicate a subconscious belief that you feel you are not a worthy or important person. Probably reflecting your own low self esteem, as a result of your childhood.
Learning To Accept Praise
How you handle praise therefore can give you an insight into your own subconscious belief systems, your current level of self esteem and your childhood. Fortunately if you do not handle praise well, it can be easy to remedy.
If someone praises you make sure you accept that praise, and do not minimize or overblown its importance. By accepting praise you send powerful messages to your subconscious, that you are a worthy and important person. However should you reject the praise, you send the opposite message.
Make The Most Of Praise
The key points to remember from this article are that not all praise is equal. Some of us received praise that was good for us, others received bad or ineffective praise, and others received no praise or criticism.
Whilst you cannot change the type of praise you received as a child, you can change the way you handle praise in the future.
People will not praise you as often as your parents did, so when you do receive praise, make the most of it and absorb every bit of it into your subconscious. Over time it will greatly improve your level of confidence and self esteem.
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December 29th, 2007 at 4:44 am
I like the fact that you have pointed out inappropriate praise. Because this is so true. I think we need to realise more, that raising kids is such a big responsibility we need to do as much research before we need to raise them. So things turn out well. Have to agree with the over praising, its a tough world with very little praise, so parents be realistic and nice post.
December 31st, 2007 at 7:26 am
I really liked this post. I agree with each and every point noted. I don’t have any kids of my own yet but will most definitely raise them the best I can. Although an adult now, I still remember some of the praises I received when I was a kid, both good and bad. I don’t know the extent the bad praises have done towards my self esteem but I do know that I remember them and if I have kids, I dont them to have memories of such things when they grow up.
January 8th, 2008 at 10:48 am
Thanks for the post. I certainly think that we should think about the different ways of praising and critisizing and what effect these can have on our children. However, in the end, you really just have to go with your instict. I do this with my kids. Sometimes they just need a little bit more praise than at other times. This can largely be based just on how they’re feeling one particular day.
March 5th, 2008 at 10:38 am
is there more to read on how and what you associated love with as a child and how what and how you associate love with as an adult?
March 10th, 2008 at 1:52 pm
Hi John,
What specifically would you like more information on?