Developing Assertiveness
- Assertiveness means being your true self.
- Lacking assertiveness can cause low self esteem.
- Learn how to get control of your personal and social life!
You can define assertiveness as honoring your wants, needs and values and seeking appropriate forms of their expression in reality. In other words, assertiveness is defined as an expression of your true self.
To be assertive is to stand up for what you want and what you believe in, in a way that is suitable for the situation you are in.
This is the very essence of living with assertiveness, and as you will see, there is nothing fake or wrong with being assertive, but rather it is the only way that life should be lived.
The Opposite Of Assertiveness
If you can define assertiveness as meaning an expression of your true self, then you could also define a lack of assertiveness as surrendering to fear, being shy in front of other people and hiding your true self.
As a result, if you lack self assertiveness you will tend to avoid confrontation with people whose values differ from yours, or you will try to please or manipulate them.
The consequence of lacking assertiveness therefore results in a reduction of your self esteem, as when you cannot express your true self, you are living your life to please others, rather than living to please yourself.
A Clear Difference
So the definition between being assertive, and lacking assertiveness is quite clear. A person with self assertiveness expresses who they are and what they want, whilst a person who lacks self assertiveness does not.
The “Power Vacuum”
It is important to note that when you lack assertiveness you automatically give power to the other person. This is known as the “power vacuum” and was demonstrated during various prison exercises in the 1960s.
The basic premise is that in any interaction between 2 or more individuals, there is an initial power struggle. If you give up power, or do not assert yourself, then that power goes to the person who first asserts themselves.
This person will now dominate, at the expense of the person who failed to express themselves fully. Regaining this power is much more difficult after it is lost, which shows the value of using assertiveness as soon as possible.
Assertiveness And Aggression
Self assertiveness does not mean being rude or using inappropriate aggression. Displaying assertiveness therefore does not mean treating others badly, pushing to the front of the line or forgetting about the rights of others.
Assertiveness simply means standing up for yourself, expressing who and what you are and treating yourself with respect in all human encounters. This is an extremely important point, as many people confuse assertiveness with aggression, which it is not.
The Different Styles Of Assertiveness
Appropriate self assertiveness pays attention to context. For example, the style of assertiveness called for when playing with a child will be different to the style of assertiveness used during a staff meeting.
Therefore in every context there will be appropriate and inappropriate styles of assertiveness, and it is up to you to apply the correct style to the situation you are in.
For example, sometimes self assertiveness is manifested through giving an idea or paying a compliment, sometimes through a polite silence that signals non agreement, or refusing to smile at a bad joke.
While the appropriate style of assertiveness will vary with the context, in every situation there is a choice between being authentic or inauthentic. Â
Assertiveness Situations
How you choose to express yourself must be appropriate to the situation you are in, and the people you are with. Otherwise you will appear as being a rude and unpleasant person, which is not what self assertiveness is all about.
This last point highlights the importance of correctly defining assertiveness, and understanding that assertiveness does not necessarily mean aggression (although aggression may be used if it is appropriate for the situation you are in).
The Value Of Assertiveness
Self assertiveness is not acting or being fake, it is the opposite. When you practice self assertiveness you live authentically, rather than being intimidated by others and hiding your true self.
When you are able to express yourself fully, you will not only live and feel more genuine, but your self esteem will also improve. This is the real value of assertiveness in life.
del.icio.us Digg Netscape StumbleUpon Technorati
Email This