Understanding Praise & Recognition

• Praise can be dangerously addictive!
• We are taught as children to please others.
• Recognition is more helpful than praise.

Everyone loves to receive praise. It makes you feel good, and serves as a form of validation that others recognise and appreciate you. However praise is also extremely addictive, and can turn some people into “praise junkies”.

A praise junkie is someone who continually looks for praise from others, and the more praise they get, the more praise they want.

They feel that in order to get praised by others, they must please others and do what other people approve of.

Thus the praise junkie is very much a conformist, a people pleaser and an extremely submissive individual.

Praise Withdrawal

A praise junkie is happiest when they receive praise, and so will work very hard to do things others like and agree with.

However, whenever a mistake is made and the praise junkie does not receive any praise, they are left in an uncomfortable state of withdrawal, desperately trying to please someone again in order to receive their next “hit”.

During this period of withdrawal they will feel as though they are somehow inadequate, and wonder what they have done wrong for the other person not to give them praise.

In turn this causes them to compare themselves to others, furthering lowering their self esteem and igniting the desire within them to compete with others, so that they once again may be the ones who are receiving the praise.

Whilst the desire to compete certainly can serve as a powerful form of motivation, what the praise junkie fails to realise is a person whose self validation comes from competing with and beating others, can never experience long term happiness.

For there will always be someone better than you, or someone who has more than you. It is a game that cannot be won, and only leads to a lifetime filled with feelings of inadequacy.

Taught As Children To Love Praise

One of the main reasons why people become addicted to praise later in life, is because as children we are constantly taught to seek out praise.

If we did what our parents approved of they would praise and reward us, but if we did something they disapproved of, they would withhold this praise and punish us.

Over time this continual cycle of praise and punishment ingrained the belief into our impressionable child mind that by doing things others approved of, they would like and approve of us. And by doing things others disapproved of, they would disapprove and dislike us.

Put another way, most children are brought up with the belief that in order to get along with others, they must go along with others.

This is an extremely important point to understand about human psychology, as virtually everyone tries to seek the approval of those around them by doing things others approve of.

Although the degree to which this occurs will vary depending on the child’s upbringing.

For example, some people simply do not care what others think of them, or their actions. And so they do the things they want to do, without concern about receiving approval from others.

On the other end of the spectrum are the praise junkies, who do things solely to please others with the hope of receiving praise from them.

Try to determine where you are on this scale, as it is often a good indication as to how self reliant you are.

Associating Praise With Actions

Whilst pleasing others is not necessarily a bad thing, by seeking praise from others for your actions you begin to associate yourself with those actions.

In other words, you are good because of what you have done, or you are bad because of what you have done. When in reality it was not you, but rather the act that was good or bad.

However the real danger lies in the impact this can have on ones self esteem, which is in a fragile and constant state of flux.

One minute the person may be feeling on top of the world after receiving some praise, and the next minute they are feeling depressed and inadequate because they did not receive any praise or received criticism instead.

The person who seeks approval and praise from others therefore allows others to control how they feel, rather than controlling their own emotions.

To be truly free to live your life the way you want to live it, you must learn to break free from this inbuilt desire to seek praise.

So do not look upon others as superior, and see yourself as equal to or better than everyone you meet.

For it is only by placing yourself below someone in a submissive manner, that you place yourself in a position where you must seek approval from them.

Recognition

Recognition differs from praise in the sense that it is more of an observation, rather than a form of approval or disapproval. It is not a compliment, but simply an acknowledgment of an action.

For example, if you tell someone that they are a good person for doing something for you, that is a form of praise.

You are praising them for their actions, but at the same time implying that if they did not do that thing for you, then they would not be a good person.

Recognition does not involve such judgment, and would simply thank the person for what they have done.

Recognition therefore involves making a factual observation, and does not judge a person as being good or bad on the basis of the actions they take.

By using and receiving recognition, a person is made to feel accepted for who and what they are. Whereas praise will take away this power, making the person feel accepted or rejected depending on whether another person accepts or rejects their actions.

This is a subtle difference, but do not underestimate its importance. A misunderstanding between the two, could severely affect both your self confidence and your self esteem.

Freeing Yourself

I hope in these series of articles you have gained a better understanding of self reliance and its importance.

The truth is, most people are not self reliant. And although it is through no fault of their own, it is at the same time entirely their fault.

In order to break free from the chains of dependency, you need to break free from the dependency that protected you as a young child, but now enslaves you as an adult.

Recognise that dependency and approval seeking is ultimately a downward spiral, one that will lead to the gradual erosion of your hopes and dreams, and an erosion of yourself.

In order to become self reliant you must strongly desire and seek out responsibility in your life, recognising that the only person you can truly count on is yourself.

The more you rely on other people, the more often you will be let down, and the less control you will have over your life.

So from now on see yourself as the power base, and do and feel things for yourself first, rather than for other people. If you can follow this simple advice, you will be well on your way to becoming self reliant.

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