How To Use Questions In Conversations

As children the large majority of our schooling consisted of learning how to answer questions. We may have had to answer questions asked by our teachers, questions set for us in essay topics or questions set in exams.

The effect of this is that by the time we are adults, we have become conditioned to automatically feel the need to answer a question when it is asked. When someone can’t answer a question, we look down on that person and suspect that they may have something to hide or that they do not know their subject very well.

With carefully crafted questions you can control many aspects of a conversation. Once you are in control, you will then find it much easier to present your message in a more persuasive way and communicate more effectively. In this article, we will discuss some of the ways that you can do this and the benefits that can come from questioning another person correctly.

Control The Issues

When you ask the questions you control what topics or issues are discussed. By doing this you can focus the conversation on the things you want to talk about, whilst at the same time avoiding the things which you would prefer not to talk about.

This could be useful for example, in learning more about another person and preventing them from having the opportunity to learn more about you.

Set The Mood

Depending on the type of question that you ask, questions can alter the mood of a conversation in either a positive or negative way. This is usually done by first making a statement and then ending it with a question.

You can tailor this question to make a person feel angry, happy, fearful or suggest that you suspect them of something. It all depends on what mood you are trying to put them in.

Set The Pace

If a conversation has suddenly strayed away from the central topic, then asking a question can get you back on topic and discussing the key issues. Asking more questions about the issues can then speed up the pace.

Conversely, if a conversation is progressing too quickly and you need more time to think, you can use a question as a diversionary strategy to get the person to momentarily focus on something else.

This is especially useful when someone is arguing with you. By asking a person questions about loosely related issues for example, you can break their train of thought and slow them down. This will then calm them down and make them feel less angry. However, be careful when using this strategy, as you may end up frustrating them and getting them more annoyed and angry.

Persuasion

When you try to persuade someone using reasons, they are more likely to resist your persuasion attempt. This is because giving someone a list of reasons why they should or shouldn’t do something can make it appear as if you are obviously trying to manipulate them. People are far more likely to be persuaded when they do not realize that they are being persuaded.

Questions therefore allow you to persuade in disguise. Rather than you making a statement yourself and causing it to look like you are trying to persuade them, by asking a question, you can get the other person to think or respond in a certain way. This way you can conceal your persuasion attempt, whilst at the same time, making the other person think that they responded how they did without being influenced.

What they didn’t realize however, was that by asking a question you implanted a thought into their mind which influenced how they responded.

For example, if you want to tell someone how good your product is, then rather than making a statement about the quality of your product, which they will naturally be suspicious of, you can turn your statement into a question. So you could ask them if they know how many satisfied customers have purchased your product in the past?

Obviously, the person will not know the answer, but that was not the purpose of your question. The purpose was to imply that their have been satisfied customers in the past, thereby implanting the idea in their mind that you are selling a good product. Essentially, what you have done here is disguise your persuasive message as a question.

Questions are therefore an excellent way to get people to think about or say certain things without them fully realizing that is what you wanted them to think or say.

Types Of Questions

The things that you ask another person can have a powerful effect on the type of conversation that you are able to have with them. Below, we will look at how you can further enhance your conversations by making you aware of the different types of questions which you can ask a person and when you might want to ask them.

Open Questions

Open questions tend to be most effective when you wish to gather information about someone or require further clarification on a key point.

An open question is one that cannot be answered with a one or two word answer. For example, “What did you do yesterday?”, “What are your plans for next week?” or “How does this work?” are all types of open questions. In general, they will start with “what“, “how” or “why“.

Advantages

Open questions can get a person to talk and open up. This can be particularly useful in negotiations or in general conversation with someone who you have never met before. Once that person opens up, they are likely to reveal information about themselves which you can use to your advantage or simply use for the purpose of getting to know them better.

You will often find that when you do get people to open up like this, they will provide you with lots of free information. This is simply extra information which you did not specifically ask for. Open questions can therefore help to make you a better communicator and will improve your overall communication skills by making you a more interesting person to talk with.

Disadvantages

Open questions are not perfect and so should not be relied upon exclusively. All they do is get the other person to talk, and they don’t even guarantee that. For example, you can ask someone “what did you do yesterday?” and they could reply “oh nothing really” because they don’t feel like talking or do not wish to discuss the issue with you.

This is quite an important point to note regarding negotiation skills and communications skills in general, as people will often not behave in the way that you would expect them too. As a result, you need to be prepared for such outcomes and have other communication skills which you can use. This will however, require you to think quickly on your feet, but this will be made easier if you have other skills which you have already practiced.

Closed Questions

Closed questions are those which require a one or two word answer. For example, “what time is it?” or, “what star sign are you?” are examples of closed questions.

However, it is important to remember that just like with open questions, people may behave unexpectedly and give long responses to your closed question.

Advantages

Closed questions are most useful when drawing a conversation to a close or when trying to get a definite answer. You can use closed questions for example, to narrow the focus of a conversation and eventually pin that person down into making a definite commitment or conclusion. As a result, closed questions tend to be most appropriate towards the end of a negotiation or conversation.

Another advantage of using closed questions, is that they can also be used to fish for interesting topics or issues to discuss should you feel that you are running out of things to say.

You could for example, try to determine what sort of things a person is interested in by asking them “Do you like football?“. Once you have gathered this information, you can then tailor your conversation to better suite their character and personal interests which will then make you a more interesting person to talk with.

Disadvantages

The main disadvantage of using closed questions is that because they generally result in a short answer, they are not something which you can solely rely upon in a conversation. If all you do is ask closed questions for example, then it will seem like you are bombarding the other person with questions as though you were conducting an interview.

Disturbing Questions

Whilst open and closed questions certainly are useful in helping you to communicate more effectively with another person, one of their main limitations is that they don’t necessarily provoke people to change the way they think or the things they do.

Disturbing questions however, can provoke people into change because they tend to result in an emotional effect in the listener. To use disturbing questions, you first have to find a certain problem or concern a person may have. This could include things such as money, health or relationships.

You then need to phrase your question in a way that will frighten or disturb that person, to make them sit up straight and really pay attention to what you have just said or proposed. By doing this, you will actively shift their thinking and get them to want to do what you are saying.

For example, “Did you know that ten people get attacked by crazed animals at the zoo each year? So always make sure that you keep your car windows closed!“. In this question and statement, the aim was to get a child to keep their passenger window closed whilst at the zoo. However, a straight request may have been simply ignored because that child might not have understood why their parent wanted them to keep their window closed.

But with a disturbing question, that child is much more likely to take note of what has been said, and act upon it, because emotions tend to be very powerful motivators of one’s behavior. In this case, the emotional state that was being generated was fear.

Leading Questions

Leading questions are another very powerful technique that you can use to influence how a person thinks. A leading question is one that alters the way a person perceives a fact or event. This was once demonstrated in a psychology experiment where people were asked a series of questions after watching a car accident on film.

One group were asked how fast the cars were going when they smashed into each other. The second group was asked how fast the cars were going when they hit each other. And the final group were asked how fast the cars were going when they made contact.

The researchers found that the first group estimated the cars to be traveling at 40 mph. The second group estimated the speed to be 34 mph. And the last group 31 mph. So just by changing the way that the question was asked, the researchers were able to influence how fast each group perceived the cars to be travelling!

What was even more surprising was when asked if they had seen the broken headlight, people were three times more likely to respond yes than when asked if they had seen a broken headlight. There was in fact, no broken headlight! This simple leading question altered their memory and caused them to recall something which didn’t even happen. This is how powerful leading questions can be in influencing someone!

Rhetorical Questions

A rhetorical question is one that you give the answer to by asking the question and do not expect a response to. For example, “Do I look like I give a damn?“, “You know what I mean?” or “What do you think I am? Some kind of idiot?” are all types of rhetorical questions.

Rhetorical questions are used to engage your listener and make them think about the obvious answer without you having to state it. Because you are engaging the listener, rhetorical questions also tend to be much more persuasive than direct statements.

One disadvantage however, is that the answer your listener comes up with largely depends on their interpretation of a situation and your body language. As a result, they may not always come up with the answer which you were trying to convey, and so sometimes, you may find that your wires become crossed resulting in confusion in your conversation.

So if you see a person look puzzled in response to what you have said, then be sure to follow up with a quick clarification so that misunderstandings can be prevented.